Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Dec 7/2011 Dear God

Wed Dec 7/2011

Dear Father God

Oh God I’m not having a good morning. I hate waking up feeling this way. I hate my life right now, I really do. There is nothing to look forward to and I’m not happy at all. I’m sorry about how I feel but that’s how I honestly feel right now. My life is crap. I know I brought this on with the choices I’ve made, but it still stings. I know praying to you this morning made me sound ungrateful and self-centered. I don’t know how to keep this good attitude up, because I’m so miserable. I just want to give all this up and go back to smoking pot. It’s been my anti-depressant for so long that I don’t know how to live without it. Sure it’s been 2mts, 1 wk and 3 days of sobriety. I should be proud about this, but I’m not. All I want is to use again. This has been the most challenging sobriety I’ve ever experienced. It’s affecting me so much emotionally. I can’t take it anymore. I want to numb my feelings and the pot would do that for me. I’m so sorry God for feeling this way, but that’s the truth. I can’t lie to you anyways because you know it all. That wasn’t very nice to say, was it! Its not the reason why I’m telling you the truth, I just feel I need to be honest with you.  I just don’t know what to do anymore God. I need your strength more than anything right now. Reality is my life is a mess right now and I don’t know how to deal with it

I need money so bad right now. I couldn’t pay my Dec rent, My Hydro is overdue. I’m down to hardly any food. I got bills that are going into collection in January if I don’t come up with the money by then. I know, I know, I know!!!! I’m the one who put myself here, but I’m trying to do the right thing by being sober, but nothing is happening. Even this job I got, it’s going to ruin everything. I won’t be able to attend my meetings, it’s at night and I have to walk a ways to get there in the dark in down town Hamilton. I hate this job and I haven’t even started yet. What do I do God? I think this is what you want me to do; I sure hope this is your will for me. This is the only reason why I’m taking it. Oh God I need your guidance more than anything right now, seriously. I need your strength, your wisdom and a miracle Lord. I don’t see the benefits of being clean & sober right now, so I need you to show me that this is all worth it because right now I don’t see it. Please, please help me get through this God. I’m asking you this in Jesus precious, precious name. I truly need a miracle right now.

Thank you for listening to me God. I feel bad expressing my negative feelings to you when so many are out there suffering so much worse than I am. Sometimes I don’t know what to do when I feel this way. Do I ignore it? I don’t know. I try so hard to be grateful and positive, but today I don’t feel it at all and I’m sorry about that, truly I am. I won’t give up on you or turn my back on you God, even if I relapse. I’ve learn that no matter what to stay close to you and never give up on you. I know this today. I also know that I can’t serve two masters either, so I truly need your will to be done here and the strength to follow through with it. I’m asking you this in Jesus precious, precious name. Please do for me what I can’t do for myself right now Please!!!! Thank you for loving me unconditionally. If I didn’t know this truth about you, I could never be this honest with you. Thank you so very much for loving me exactly where I am and feeling today. I thank you in Jesus precious, precious name for all that you are, for all that you do and for loving me the way you do. I praise you in the highest God. I would be so much worse off if I didn’t have you to lean on in my difficult days. Truly!!!! I definitely would’ve relapsed a long time ago if it wasn’t for you, so I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart and will trust you that you will answer my prayers. I just have to be patient and trust you that you are working on the plans you have for me. I love you Father God!!! so much, see your already working on my spirit. I feel better just by talking to you and expressing my true feelings. How do you do that? I know it’s not me, because I feel awful. You truly are amazing and I’m so grateful for our relationship. Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!!!!!

Love forever
You’re Daughter